We’ve all made mistakes. . . but I am not yet ready to admit that my new fiber rich and pot of coffee a day diet is one of them.

Sure I take bathroom breaks a couple times an hour, and maybe I have a few more questionable farts when I let my guard down but I like to think that it is helping me out with a couple of my new year’s resolutions, namely exercising more and bringing my personal hygiene up to a level which my wife and Western civilization would dub acceptable.  But like I said, I am not yet ready to call this experiment a mistake, and mistakes are what I would like to write about today.

Mistakes are an integral part of the experimentation process.  It is through the many errors I have committed in the trial and error process that have allowed me to “MacGyver” many a poor fare into a dirtkid banquet.  There was a time in my life when my poverty and a love for booze fomented great creativity and spawned the fiscally responsible and efficaciously alcoholic world of Hobo-Suicide Cocktails.

These drinks weren’t completely unpalatable.  Some of them were pretty bad but none of them were bad on purpose.  Incontestably, the worst thing I have ever imbibed would have to be “Whitfield’s Big Mistake” which was drink I did not create but was forced to drink as I had inspired it through the retelling of the story of the same name.  I think it had something over-proof in it and maybe some sweet vermouth.  I know, however, that it had a pickled jalapeno, a tablespoon of horseradish, some barbecue sauce, and a surprise of a bit of raw beef at the bottom.  This drink was meant to be disgusting and succeeded admirably.  In fact, the only thing I would have added to it to make it truly embody the story of Whitfield would have been an STD.

The king of all Hobo-Suicide cocktails, however, was quite palatable, or, at the very least, something you got used to .  This drink was called Son of Ginskey.  The forebeverage (it’s like forefathers, get it?. . . I’m too lazy to think of real words today) was created through laziness and was simply called “Ginskey”.  As best as I can recall, this drink was invented one night as I was imbibing a Gin and Tonic and wished to switch to a Whiskey Sour.  I had so firmly committed to switching drinks that I could not bring myself to finish my G&T in that moment and yet I was drinking from my only glass and could not bring myself to waste a perfectly good drink.  This impasse was settled when I simply mixed the Whiskey Sour on top of the G&T.  Upon tasting, I decided that it wasn’t half bad (Actually, it was probably all bad but I was a Philistine back then.  For shit’s sake I only had one glass!).

As time went by I began adding ingredients.  I started by adding some cola which improved the flavor and added caffeine.  Next, I used my scientific* knowledge to increase the drink’s efficacy. Over the years I have noticed that people who like and often drink tequila tend to get tossed by a bit of whiskey and whiskey drinkers tend to get their shit turned sideways by tequila.  Science thus instructed me to add tequila and I threw in a couple of maraschino cherries for good measure, creating Son of Ginskey.  This drink was strong, large, and not horrible tasting.  It was the ultimate prefunker.  It was the type of drink you put in water bottles and sneaked into a theater and hoped you would be able to find your shoes when the credits were over.  This beverage was my personal riot punch.

As far as habitual mistakes go, at least I made this one interesting.  Now that I have made my confession, I would love to hear some culinary misadventures.  Can anyone top Son of Ginskey (I’m sure you can make a more disgusting drink, but keep in mind that this was my drink of choice for about six months.)?  Delve deep into the hazy paste of your mixological sins and share, absolution is at hand.

*No actual science was used in the making of this drink.

Gimme something

Screw you, long silence.

So here’s a little something I whipped up the other night. For those of you who like ribs and easy meals and maybe don’t have a smoker on hand, this is something to try:

Chinese-Style Spareribs

Meat:

• 2 slabs of ribs, trimmed with the membranes removed
• 1/4 cup of 5-Spice powder
• Oil
• Salt and Pepper

Rub the ribs with oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Then coat each on both sides with the 5 spice. Place in an oven preheated to 275 degrees for 2.5-3.5 hours.

Glaze:

• 1 cup low-sodium soy sauce (this is important, I used regular and it was too salty. I had to calm it down with extra brown sugar)
• 1 cup fresh grapefruit juice
• 1/4 cup hoisin sauce (or more, I used more like 1/3-1/2 cup)
• 1/4 cup ketchup
• 3 tablespoons rice vinegar (not the seasoned kind, regular)
• 2 fresh red chile peppers, split
• 4 garlic cloves, smashed
• A good ammount of ginger root, cut into medium-sized chunks
• several green onions, chopped

Bring this to healthy simmer over medium heat and allow to reduce and thicken, stirring regularly (20-30 minutes).

After the ribs are tender and pulling away from the bone, remove them from the oven. Brush the glaze on both sides of the ribs and place them under the broiler, flipping and brushing with more of the glaze several times.

Cut and spoon the extra sauce over the ribs. Serve with rice, noodles, or whatever.

Original recipe found here. You should go with mine, though. The changes are small, but important.

New Years Eve Cocktail Report

So naturally I threw a little cocktail shindig for New Years Eve. Went great as far as I can tell and didn’t break my booze bank either. Here’s the states on the drinks

• 5 Mai Tais (admittedly, four of these went to one enthusiastic individual)
• 4 Lemon Apocalypses
• 3 Richmond Gimlets
• 3 Martinis
• 3 Corpse Reviver #2s
• 3 Contract Killers
• 3 Bourbon Renewels
• 2 Sangre de Agaves
• 2 Old Cubans
• 2 Jack Roses
• 2 Diablos
• 2 Daiquiris
• 2 Blood and Sands
• 1 Zombie
• 1 Sidecar
• 1 Manhattan
• 1 Cascade Crush
• 1 Cable Car

The only one of these that happened to be my own creation,  unexpectedly appeared part way through the night and became a mini hit. So, just to sate your curiosity, here’s the recipe for the Lemon Apocalypse:

• 2 oz bourbon
• 1 oz limoncello (Pallini or something better)
• 2 oz lemon juice
• 1 oz simple syrup
• 2 dashes lemon bitters
• 2 oz champagne or prosecco to top

Shake well, strain over rocks in a collins glass, top with sparkling wine.

Few things are certain in life

So when you can find something certain, something tangible, something enduringly reliable, it is a great and rare occurrence. If this uproarious event happens to include perfect prime rib, then I submit that we have reached some proleptic form of carnivorous nirvana.

Impossible you say? I have some good news. About prime rib.

We’ve all seen perfect prime rib in restaurants. Maybe we’ve even tried to make it ourselves. In all likelihood its been ok but never that good. Well, I have for you here a fool-proof method for getting perfect medium-rare prime rib. (A brief aside: If for some reason you want meat cooked further than medium-rare I cannot help you nor do you deserve any help. Go eat a hamburger.)

So, here’s what you do. Its jarringly simple. You get a bone-in prime rib roast of whatever size you want (bone-in is essential for this method). The first step is perhaps the most crucial. You must bring the roast to room temperature. This is absolutely essential. Leave it out for at least four hours. Overnight is even better. Don’t worry, it will be fine. Then you season it however you want on the outside. I usually use some sort of mixture of butter, salt, pepper, garlic, and whatever fresh herbs I have on hand (rosemary, thyme, even oregano=all good). Also you can feel free to make some little stabs in the meat and insert some crushed garlic cloves if you want. Good deal, that.

Ok, next step is to preheat your oven to 500 degrees F. Then take you roast, put it in a roasting pan bone down and put it in the oven. Now, here’s the math part. You want to leave it in the oven at 500 degrees for exactly 5 minutes per pound. So take the exact weight of your roast and multiply it times 5 and that’s your cook time (my roast was 6.33 lb so I had it in for between 31 and 32 minutes).

Then, with the roast still inside, turn off the oven. Do not open the door at any point in the roasting process. Leave it in the oven with the door closed for exactly two hours. Once two hours has elapsed, remove it from the oven, and cut into the best prime rib you’ve ever had.

This works. It works awesomely. The only qualification I’d make for it is that I can’t confirm what might happen on an utterly huge roast. I imagine that it would be just fine, but having not tried it yet, I can’t be sure.

Also to give credit, this method was first handed to me by my favorite food blogger, Chef John. He’s to be trusted. Trust me.

My Favorite Juices

In order of preference, here are the juices I tend to most relish. Care about this.

1. Pineapple Juice — Can’t help it. Its just the best.
2. Grapefruit Juice — Sweet, sweet sourness. The best in its class.
3. Pomegranate Juice — Oh the tartness.
4. Passionfruit Juice — The name doesn’t lie.
5. Grape Juice — Childhood made this near and dear to my heart.
6. Orange Juice — Well, we all have to have breakfast.
7. Apple Juice — An absolute necessity. Especially for cooking bbq.
8. Cranberry Juice — The real stuff, please.

Those are the juices I most like.

Jesus’ first miracle was to turn water into wine, so when I start having Christmas thoughts, I know it’s time to drink.

I hosted my first ever holiday cocktail party this week.  A good time was had by all even if it did get a little out of hand towards the end.  That, however, is not what I wish to speak of right now.  I want to tell you of the interesting observations one may make upon review of the night’s menu.  I made plenty of various foods which I am sure I will make later in life so for right now I want to focus on the drink menu.

A drink menu seems like a fantastic idea for a cocktail party as you can steer people toward drinks you have ingredients for and introduce your friends to new beverages.  I wanted a fairly basic list of drinks that may please many varied palates and, with some help from Halden, came up with this menu in alphabetical order:
Bee’s Knees
Blood and Sand
Bourbon Renewal
Cable Car
Contract Killer
Corpse Reviver #2
Diablo
Knickerbocker
Old Cuban
Old Fashioned
Richmond Gimlet
Sangre de Agave
Sidecar
Singapore Sling
I kept a somewhat decent tally in my head of what was ordered and was surprised with the results.  The Cable Car and Knickerbocker were never ordered twice by the same person.  I believe this is due, in part, to my Curacao being far too sweet and my raspberry syrup being extremely sour.  The Old Cuban, Singapore Sling, and Bee’s Knees had slightly better showings with the Corpse Reviver #2 becoming a late night favorite.  The Contract Killer was the third most requested drink as it is deliciously peculiar and the Richmond Gimlet came in a solid number two.  I did not expect the Sangre de Agave to do as well as it did, being asked for at least twice as often as the number two cocktail.  Now that I think about it, it was the first drink I made and one of my wife’s friends raved about it the rest of the night as well as ordered it until she went home so I guess word of mouth and being delicious are probably the two best things one can aim for when trying to be the most popular drink at the party.

I think that it was also notable the drinks that weren’t ordered at all:  Sidecar and the Bourbon Renewal.  The sidecar makes sense as it is a fairly common drink and it warms the cockles of my heart to have my friends put their taste buds in my hands and allow me to give them new and exciting experiences (there are so many things I could say about that last sentence but I seem to have broken my own brain with odd innuendo).  When I told Halden of my findings he was quite shocked that the Bourbon Renewal had not made an appearance.  Though I too was disappointed that it was not represented, I believe I have figured out a partial reason for its failed siren song:  I feel that people who desire Bourbon do not think something sweet will slake their thirst.  At the same time, those who want a sweet cocktail do not jump at the Bourbon bottle to start a concoction.  While the Bourbon Renewal is a far more complex and wonderfully balanced drink than something that is simply “sweet” it does seem to reside in an easily neglected area of the taste experience.  Perhaps it was my duty as bartender to inform my guests of the error they were making but, to be completely honest, I like Sangre de Agave more than the Bourbon Renewal and if any drink didn’t quite fit in a glass, it went in mine.

Hooray, a contest!

My lyrics are iller than swine flu

As my rhyme-tastic talents destroy you

The gauntlet’s been thrown

Beer limerics I’ve sown

So join the contest at Catholic Brew.

No, I have nothing to give to you people, though I will encourage everyone to go visit my dear friends at www.catholicbeer.com to enter into their beer limeric contest.  Brian is a superb silk screen printer and Joel is a master brewer, so who knows what your prize will be.  If you can beat my gloriuos submission I will throw in the most epic high-five ever thrown.

The Sourtoe Cocktail

Like all good Americans I have a fondness for mocking Canada, being ignorant about Canada, and being constantly amused by the uniforms of their law enforcement. What I didn’t know was that apparently there is some super crazy leftover mountain man cajones in the remote parts of this massive but sparely populated maple leaf.

Apparently if you ever find yourself in Dawson City, Yukon at the Downtown Hotel you can easily join the fabled Sourtoe Cocktail Club. The one and only condition you ask? Drinking a Sourtoe Cocktail. What might this creatively named beverage consist of you wonder? Well, it actually consists of any sort of beverage you like. You can have one with any ingredients you choose with only one qualification: the drink must contain a human toe. The toe. From a human.

This is correct and true and factual. The Sourtoes are actual human toes that have been dehydrated and preserved in salt. You have to drop one of these bad boys in your drink and the toe must touch your lips at some point in the drinking process. “You can drink it fast, you can drink it slow — But the lips have gotta touch the toe.” So goes the creedo of the Sourtoe Cocktail Club. Once you finish swilling down this tasty beverage you will be inducted forever into the Sourtoe Cocktail Club. (You can see someone being so inducted here.)

They don’t recommend swallowing the toe. Although two of the seven toes that the bar has possessed since starting the tradition in 1973 have been accidentally swallowed. You can read more about this bizarre tradition and the history of the toes here.

No one ever said that the world of drinking made sense. No one ever said that.

Speaking of Turkey

Much thanks to Halden for introducing me to a simpler form of this recipe last year.  It no longer matters if I go home to my family or spend the holidays with my in-laws, I am now in charge of the turkey for all time.  I actually prefer it this way because not only does getting up at the crack of dawn to start a turkey allow me to sneak off for a vocal condemnation free cigarette, this recipe (well, actually my bastardized version of this recipe which is far less work intensive) makes me finally look forward to turkey.

Halden, however, does not include a step which I believe is somewhere between very interesting and the most delicious thing you can do to a bird:  Drunken Turkey!

I first decided to give drunken turkey a shot (Oh man, that’s almost all kinds of bad pun action as an ounce of hard alcohol is often referred to as a shot and the alcohol is injected into the bird through a large syringe which, in the parlance of our times, is also called a shot.  Ha ha ha what a wonderful play of words to produce such joviality.) simply because it sounded odd enough to be delicious.  When I researched drunken turkeys I found that I was drawn to whiskey.  But of course, I could not just inject some whiskey into a turkey, that’s not nearly interesting enough.  I wanted to add an herbal influence to increase deliciousness but wanted it to pair with rather than overpower the actual whiskey flavor.  I finally decided decided on a pesto influence which I have dubbed Pesto Infested Whiskey.  This is made by putting about a cup of pine nuts, a handful of fresh basil, and one unmolested garlic clove into a mason jar with a couple of cups of whiskey.  Let this sit for a couple of weeks and it will be good.  Leave it for longer and it will be most excellent (I’ve already started mine for next year). I leave everything in the mason jar and fill the injector by shoving its needle amidst the pine nuts which acts as a filter, keeping the basil from plugging anything.

Whiskey, when injected, adds a buttery, nutty, carmalish flavor that is so wonderful I have been forced to create words to describe it.  The pesto infestation pairs nicely with this and when paired with a modified compound butter that includes basil, the effect on a turkey is amazing!  You really don’t have to inject a whole lot into the turkey to hop on this Red Ryder of flavor but under this method, the white meat is worth a trip to rehab.

How to Carve a Turkey

Speaking of turkey, for many carving a whole turkey, especially if you’ve never done it before is a bit daunting. Well, it’s actually quite easy as this video demonstrates. Although, you’ll obviously have to cut off the wings and do a more thorough job on the dark meat than he does in the clip. For shame.